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I'm on a dating website and I don't know how well its going. I have been talking to one guy, Clay, on a daily basis either in AIM or by texting. He gives me a weird vibe sometimes in that he doesn't seem interested in me sometimes. He is really into D&D and hunting/guns so we don't really have much in common. A lot of the times when we talk I have to force information out of him because all he says is "nice" or "lol ok." We will finally find something to talk about and he will end it short by just saying "yea." I lead and start a lot of the conversations which is weird for me cause I don't talk that much myself. I don't know what to do, do I meet him in person in hopes that he is different face to face? Am I just settling for him because I think he is a sweet guy?
There is another guy, Adam, that I met on the website and he doesn't talk to me much but he really is my "type" in looks and personality (from what I can gather). I am afraid he is just looking for something physical from me. I went into this looking for someone to casually hang out with but with this Adam guy I almost want something more than that. That is creepy for me to say cause I don't even know him so I regret typing any of that...

I guess I will just wait and see what happens. If nothing comes of this website, I will say "at least I tried"... Going to bars wasn't working for me so what other option do I have here?

I've pretty much been having dreams about friends every night for the past 2 weeks. Nothing substantial ever happens in these dreams but they always include all or some of my friends just hanging out. Nothing is ever really said in my dreams; just my friends walking around in silence. These dreams have a pretty obvious underlying message.

Dad really pissed me off recently. He sent me an email in the middle of December asking a "favor." He wanted Amy and I to write a reference letter to stating that we felt he was a good candidate to get his drivers license back. Amy wrote hers right away and of course I put it off. I then went out to lunch with him and Amy in the first week of January and he asked why I hadn't written it yet, I told him I would get it done blah blah blah. So a few more weeks pass... no letter. He emails me "how are you where is my letter. nothing new here where is my letter. I had to remind you of something, oh yea where is my letter." This really made me mad because at this point, my letter wouldn't be a favor, it would be some type of obligation, like I owed him something. I have been busy with this being my second to last semester so his letter isn't my first priority. After I emailed him that I was busy and would do it asap, I still waited like two weeks. He then email again saying that time was up and I needed to send it by the next day. Ok that's fine I wrote the letter that night and sent it two days after because of the big storm the bank was closed and couldn't notarize it. This is the reply I got:
"Hi Sweet.
Sooner the better.
One of these days we're going to talk about your procrastination characterisic.
This is definately something you will want to ponder over the next year.
He who hesitates is lost.
Procrastination can kill you professionally.
With Love,

ps. thanks again for the letter."

This is what I said:
"Hey Dad.
The letter was sent today, Thursday.
Again I am sorry for the lateness of it. I know my procrastination is a bad habit. We don't need to talk about it because I already recognize it. This is my second to last semester as an undergrad so I am kind of in a hectic state of mind right now. I am sorry that my life situation was a hinderance on you but I hope the letter does you good. Good luck... and by the way, I'm doing well and school is going great, thanks for asking."

I was fed up because every time he sends me an email, there is some underlying reason. Either it is to tell me what is happening in his life, or to find something to give a wannabe wise yet pointless lecture about my life.

Everything seems to be due this week! How does this happen. I was planning on working on some of my papers today but that didn't work out how I planned. This is all piling up on me and it has never been this hard. I can't even imagine what grad school is going to be like. I know that if I become a certified FLE than I could get a job somewhere but I would really have better chances with a Masters Degree. If there was ever a time I wish I had it easy, now is that time.

To change the subject, I had a few drinks last night and went on a chat room. It was really funny and I pissed quite a few people off. Everyone would ask for a picture and when I said no they wouldn't talk to me anymore. Some people are sick in those rooms! I mean I understand that some people aren't comfortable talking to people in real life and that's cool, I get that way too. But others are just inappropriate and ruin it for the people who just want to have a conversation. Also, I watch too many Dateline shows, thanks to my mom, and I just think everyone is lying. Like one guy said he lived in Australia so I asked what time it was and all he could say was "very early" well no shit haha. Needless to say I'm not going on again.


Jul. 2nd, 2010

my main goal in life has been to feel wanted. i have never met someone who ligitimately wanted to hang out and get to know me on a personal level. all i have ever experienced were guys drunk off their asses talking to me because they thought it would be an easy lay. some of my friends dont even find it benefitial to call me. and why does everyone always say the problem is me?
this has been a constant struggle in my life and it is only getting worse.

please tell me i'm imagining things


Jan. 22nd, 2010

i feel that so many people around me have changed and i don't even know them anymore. i feel like i have nothing in common with anyone and that people are bored of me. like they finally realized i am unable to particiapte in conversations about things that interest them. all i know is that the people i talk to on a regular basis are the ones who don't mind keeping me around. they are the only ones i need.

time to say goodbye to lost times and get over it

so im back at school and i actually couldnt be happier. i did cry on that very first day when mom and i had to part ways but now i am back in the groove of things and all is well. i also have two new roommates and we are all still getting to know eachother but they are both very nice and we have a lot of fun together. but i get to hang out with brad and michelle in a while so i am excited!

i am in this field work class and i have to find two different places to go and work 30 hours at each. so far, no one is answering my calls or calling me back and i need the first one arranged by tuesday. i am running out of time and it is making me really nervous!

other than that, i am taking a digital photo class, gender communications, and another human development class. all the professors seem nice but what is it with all of them liking group work!!?? i hate group work so this will be an interesting semester.

my mom is having surgery on the 29th of this month and we are all nervous even though i know it will be fine. this will be her first surgery so she is of course thinking of the worst but it will be fine... like i already said.
it is really sad that my livejournal has become a place for me to talk about the troubles in my life. there was one point that i would only write about the fun i was having but that is long gone.

im gunna write about my dad again.
he is in jail for the 3rd time this year. i havent talked on the phone with him since i got my cmu acceptance letter which was probably in may or june.... wow. he has sent me some emails but they dont even matter because they were so impersonal, just a quick hi how you doing.
my grandma said she cant deal with him anymore and when he gets out of jail this time she doesnt want him living with her anymore. and he sure cant live with me in my moms house. the only options here are rehab or the streets and he is a smart man so i hope he picks rehab and stays with it.
im considering going to my grandmas house when i come home for break so i can find out the details of what jail he is at and go talk to him. i need him to understand that if he doesnt pick rehab he will die on the streets all alone. im just afraid that i wont be able to handle seeing him. i know he wont look good or healthy and i do not like seeing him look like that. i will just have to have amy go with me. another thing that worries me is that i wont have the chance to see him bacuse i dont know how long he has been in there or when he will be out. i really need all the details from grandma.

just for more back story he was put in jail for drinking and riding his bike..... again. he lost his job that he just got at the camera store because he came in drunk. if this isnt his low point i really dont want to see what is.
i would really like to do some kind of intervention but i just dont think it will work for him. he has been to rehab once before but he is really good at going through the motions until he can go back to doing what he wants. and he has apparently been to AA meetings but that again was just to fufill a court order and he went intoxicated anyway.
He is a smart man but he doesnt think... he's too far in to think about what he's doing.
so im at cmu and it is hard to be here sometimes because i have always loved being at home. im not one of the kids that hate home and are going to college to be away. i absolutly love everything about home but i decided that if i didnt go to cmu now i would never go. plus i was finally ready after 2 years of mcc and i knew that mcc had nothing for me. i am in the family studies program and i have to register for spring classes soon.
as far as classes are going, they are WAY harder than mcc but that is expected. i have taken some tests and im not sure yet what i have on them. i am enjoying most of the classes.

i havent really talked to my dad in about 3 or more months. apparently matt saw him and said he was going crazy. i worry so much about him. yes he pisses me off and yes i dont exactly 100% want to talk to him, but i worry that if i dont forgive him and start talking to him on a regular basis or go see him that he is going to die very soon and i will hate myself. its odd because for his whole life he got away with drunk driving with me in the car, and going to work drunk, never getting in trouble for public intoxication. and now he is 53 years old and he is getting in trouble like he is a teenager. he lives with my grandma and grandpa who have enough stress because my grandpas health is down. i do still love him, hes my dad and we have had a lot of fun times and laughs and i have learned a lot from him. and he was seriousy cool until a year ago... wait not even cause i started to have issues wth him after is first time in jail which was at the beginning of this year. i dont know what to do.

Jul. 22nd, 2009

just to update alittle. i know it seems soon but we are getting a new golden retriever puppy on july 31. we named him dudley. well my mom did i wanted jax but it is really going to be her dog so dudley is a cute name. my brother is moving out with cece and lia into a house in troy and he is taking tank and roxy =/ so my mom needed a puppy.
other than that, its the last week of school for me right now. my last day of work is the 31st of july so i can hang out all the time. CMU move in seems like its coming up quick. i need a hair cut badly.

well that is about it, pathetic huh?

well well well. i have had an alright week,
this past week was my first week of summer courses and it was... interesting. both of my teachers are characters to say the least and i can tell that it is going to be a busy month. CMU seems like it is coming up quick and i am finally feeling the nerves. i just dont know what i am going to do when im up there. oh well i will figure it out and it will be great.
the good thing about going away to school is that i get to quit my job YAY! i absolutly dislike most of the people there. i think there are.... 3 people that do not piss me off and annoy me on a regular basis. thats pretty bad.
its such a nice day out today. i am going to sit out with amy and do some bonding time so i dont have to be around cece... oh yea shes back. do any of you remember all those posts i did a few years back about her? well her and matt are dating and i am forced to be nice because she is always here. grin and bear it i guess.
so last weekend i went to mike and ashleys house to hang out with everyone and on friday i went to joeys brothers condo to hang out with everyone again. i enjoyed both nights. well this weekend was better than last i must say. last weekend was a little drama filled for me and this weekend a lot of people fell asleep not too quick but quicker than i could. flirting is 10 times funner when you have drinks in you i have some to find this out.
ok so friday i drank really fast cause at first i was a little uncomfortable. i only drink mixed drinks and i was chugging and putting about 2 and a half shots in each? basically i was sitting on the floor and at one point michelle had to catch my head because it was heavy lmao.
but i took a break because that was a little scary for me. i dont like being that drunk. once i came back to a good buzz it was a lot of fun again. 

i like hanging out with my friends. i am very lucky to have such a diverse group of people who can talk about literally anything and be totally content with it. either talking about bands, 90's cartoons, or politics (which i just listen to unless i actually know what is going on... never) we have a lot of fun. and i love them and i tell everyone i love them, some may not tell me back.... all the BOYS... but i know (or think i know) that they are at least content with me cause they still invite me places =] and thats good enough for me (and if you are not content with me dont say anything just let me think it and be nice to me)